worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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