In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
