Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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