Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
