i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
