I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
