Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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