I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
