I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
