why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just threw up on my dentist
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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