I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
You're a waste of cheezeits
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
