wakey wakey hands off snakey
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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