proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
