I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
