I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
