I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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