So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
