I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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