who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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