I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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