I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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