I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
