did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
