Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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