I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
