I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
The beer is more important than you right now.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
