I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
