Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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