mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
