hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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