I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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