"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
