Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
