In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
