How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
