let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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