He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
