The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
