I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
