some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
there is glitter all over my balls
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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