I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
