Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
you never un-have a 4some
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