she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
