I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
