Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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