i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
