why im i the only drunk person in the library?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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