Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
My liver just had a heart attack.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
