i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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