i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
