Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
