i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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