Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
