Just fell off a train. Bad.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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