apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize