So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
