Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
