girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
