That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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