The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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