So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
