I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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