Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
